Log:Fractured Healing
Yusanis heals a fault in his kyber crystal. And possibly himself.
OOC Date: April 15, 2023
Location: Coruscant
Participants: Tamsin Cas, Yusanis
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis had been fuming for the last few days he ran cargo, worked on meditating and fought training remotes a lot! He was so miffed at himself for the small Crack and the taint to his precious crystal the he sat their in front of the forge glaring at the disassembled weapon and specifically that force forsaken crystal, how dare it defy him!
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Tamson did not make it a habit to come into the saberforge, but she was here today. Something of a coincidence, perhaps, as she directed the small repulsor sled she pushed along ahead of her, packed neatly with what was likely supplies for the use of the acolytes. The presence of Yusanis was noted, as well as the state of the lightsaber, "Something not quite to your liking, Acolyte?"
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis glances up and smiles softly at Tamsin. "The fraking crystal cracked and was tainted, it happened in the final steps." He says with a shrug. "So I ripped it apart to find the flaw...problem is I'm enraged! I want to both repair it and destroy it for making a mockery of me! But I'd only be destroying a piece of myself, and that wouldn't be good."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Tamsin, who was listening, continued with her work, once she was at the storage cubicles. She began the process of sorting the boxes into their designated locations, transferring materials as necessary, "Do you recall our previous conversation? About the dangers of uncontrolled rage?" Tamsin finished the first row of materials, before she turned to face Yusanis, "It is easy to feel anger, not as easy to delve to the heart of it, and in so doing, to focus it to you will. You are angry at the crystal. But why?"
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis taps his chin thoughtfully sliding a bit closer to Tamsin. "I....dont....I...because it defied me...it failed me....it made a mockery of me. Fitting so perfectly working the way it should and than pow!" He says frustratedly. "Or maybe I'm angry with myself for failing in constructing my personal weapon. For not mastering this skill.
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"Those are transient things." Tamsin's tone was not dismissive, her tone was, well, as neutral as it ever was, "That is anger about a momentary disappointment." Tamsin settled her hands on the stack of crates she had just emptied, "What is it that is at the heart of your anger? For many it can be remnants of childhood, slights to the ego..." Tamsin studied the echani, "You are echani. Male, well-cared for by your matriarchs, but never female. Does that make you angry?"
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis glances up his eyes flare and the parts on the table rattle and rattle hard almost falling before he can get control back! "How...." He growls out. "How do you know we have a Matriarchy? That men thought cared for are not thought to hold the same status?" He asks before shuddering. "Yes it angers me always has, both my twin and I were Highborn she got the lap of luxury, though trained as hard, me I was to be a warrior and protector. When our master came and found is she immediately wanted my sister and though I was as strong in the force wasn't initially gonna take me, when she did I had to work and fight twice as hard to earn my place at her side." The tone almost venomous as he speaks.
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Tamsin, while she saw the anger in the young man, did not respond to it, "I am a doctor, Acolyte. That entails more than simply knowing how to treat the wounds of a multitude of species. Especially as wounds exist in the mind as well as in the body. It behooves me to understand the cultures and backgrounds of my patients. Information such as that is not difficult to learn. Any decent history of the species will include that information." That did not appear to be Tamsin's primary concern, "So, you have felt slighted, one would expect, all of your life. By your master, by your matriarchs...and by your sister? With whom you must train and work? Would you strike out at them if you could?" And then, as if pulling on a tangent, "Is that what lies at the heart of your anger? Your second-class status?"
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis snarls his rage overtaking again those pieces all but the crystal clatter to the floor! "I am not second frakking class! I am equal I am powerful and I am more ruthless than even my sister, whom I love dearly and at the same time resent! As for striking out I haven't been home to Eschan since I was a Lad, and we killed our master for the games she played trying to make us hurt and kill each other! Slighted I'm an Echani male were always Goram slighted!"
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Still, Tamsin neither moved, nor reacted to the anger. Her hands sat still on the boxes, though she glanced briefly down at the pieces as they scattered. The slightest tendrils of power emanated from her as she began to remove the pieces from the floor and set them back on the working surface from which they had bee flung, "That it your lightsaber, in pieces or whole. Do not treat it with disrespect." Her tone was still perfectly modulated, "So, we know at least one font of your rage. Your anger at your lot in life. generally, such anger comes because as much as we fight the injustice, we also fight the voice inside of our heads that questions whether or not we are what our society tells us we are, yes? Do you hear that voice now?" A beat, "I will know if you are lying to me."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis shakes his head breathing deeply. "No I've always wanted men to be equal to Echani women. That was my fight even as a lad, I can truly say I've never second guessed this or thought society was right on my lot in life. So...no I dont...hear that voice..." He says though Tamsin said she'd know if he was lying, she'll know never had was a truth though now....now that she said something....now that voice is creeping in on him. "As for the saber, I didn't mean for the pieces to fall."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"In life," Tamsin offered, "We tell many lies. To those we love, to those we hate, to those we care so little about that the truth has neither meaning nor good reason. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. I have yet to meet anyone, of any species, who has never doubted themselves, never questioned themselves and their motives. Who has never had a spark of conflict within themselves." The last of the pieces settled back onto the work surface, and the sense of Tamsin's manipulation of the force winked out as thought it had never been there. "You did not mean to, and yet, they fell. You did not mean to fracture your crystal, and yet, there it sits, wounded, waiting only to be healed." She took a moment, before she continued, "Anger is a weapon, as sharp as any blade. But it must be honed. It cannot be thrown around like a child throws toys in a tantrum."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis shakes his head back and forth again. "I wasn't throwing a tantrum nor enraged when the crystal fractured, in truth I don't know what happened there." Than he looks to Tamsin. "I didn't say I never doubted myself or my motives, I merely stated I never doubted that I was equal to Echani women, or that all of us men were...at least not until tonight." Yus says staring at his crystal pushing out with the force. "I have doubted myself, I've doubted my reasons for doing things, and I even loath myself."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Tamsin ti pped her head, just slightly, "When I came in earlier, you said you were angry that the crystal fractured, and yet, the kyber only reflects back to us that which we put into it. So..if that follows, then that fracture came from you." No judgement, simply a fact, "So, find the faultline, that place within yourself where your doubt and self-hatred live and cleanse it from your psyche. And then, allow that cleansing to heal that part of yourself what lies within the kyber."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis takes a breath and looks inward eyes closing mentally focusing. Looking deep deep within himself as he shudders and the crystal rises and starts to rotate. "It comes from....fear...from always...being treated as second best....not thinking I'm good enough....yet still believing I'm worthy....my own conflicting thoughts....And never being regarded in the same respect as my sister or other women....the weakness of feeling inadequate."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"All of those things are true things. Amongst the echani, you are second class, no matter how well you are treated or respected. Among your people Raskta will always take precedence, no matter how often you might eclipse or come to eclipse her. Your master is dead. You will never, now, hear them say they value you as much as they valued the one they chose instead of you. All of those things are true." Truths were often hard. That did not make them any less true. "But none of those things are you. They are the words, and thoughts, and feeling...expressions of people outside of yourself. You alone can judge your own worth. You alone, in your heart, can know the value of yourself. Words are only words, passing things, meaningless things. What lives inside of you has endured in spite of them, and will endure, long after those words have faded."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis nods thoughtful now as he surrenders to the thoughts and Tamsin's words. "No they are not true, they were true. But regardless how the Echani view it, or the ways on Eshan. I make my future, like I forge this blade I forge my path to my own power and destiny. What is still true is thats how Echani society will view me, that my master will never value me as much as Raksta. But what else is true is its not their approval, or opinions they matter, they didn't give me my accolades or make me who I am, I did that and I will continue to do that. You're right it is my mind, my heart, my soul not their perceptions. Though I will keep those memories if for no other reason than to use them when my force abilities need bolstering." Yus slides a bit closer to Tamsin. the crystal beginning to glow a deep crimson red.
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Still standing by the repulsor sled, Tamsin watched as the crystal rose from the working surface, the light within it kindling and sparking as Yusanis bent his will to the task, infusing his will into the crystal, allowing his focus to find the place where the fracture marred the gem, "It does not do to forget the past. You are right. It can fuel us. We can learn to channel those feelings, to acknowledge them, to focus them, but not to be overrun by them."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis his body starts to glisten with sweat as he focuses more on the task. "Youre...right....the past....is fuel....it feeds the fire....it is not the fire....harnessed as ammo....not the weapon....and those feelings will make me stronger." He says as the crystal glows brighter. "Brains...Beauty....and power....you have it....all"
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
There were times, many times, when Tamsin's Muun-ish heritage won out, and logic prevailed. This was clearly one of those times. Words were a puzzle to be solved, and a question to be answered. "All of those things are simply the result of genetic lottery. As with most things in life, we begin with the building blocks chosen for us by others. What matters is how we make use of those to become what we wish ourselves to be." But those words, much like the ones that came before, were only a passing thing. The crystal was the focus.
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis nods his head his eyes opening he holds his hand out to the Crystal the glow deepening, is the crystal humming? "My past is mere the staircase I took to get to were I am, all of it still ammo but not something that will control me any longer. This is thanks you." He says with a wicked grin. "You reminded me the force is my tool and my anger and emotions make it stronger but they are not it, that division, that fracture in me is healed never again to cause this kind of mess.'
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
Tamsin nodded, as Yusanis worked. "One fracture is healed. It may well be that others will arise. That is the way of the Dark Side. There is no peace in the Dark." Of course, Tamsin could speak an entire treatise on how there was also no peace in the light, but, we shall not speak that //now//. "Face each as they come, and overcome them with the same application of will."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis smirks and looks up at Tamsin he nods as he feels the crystal repairing itself. "I understand yes, and I know that there is no peace, peace is a lie." He states before his ice blue eyes lock on Tamsin's. "Should I be calling you Master, or Lady or something now?"
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"I am not your Master. Masters exist within the Empress cadre. Her bailiwick is the training of young Sith students. I simply offered insight. You may address me as Tamsin, though I suppose Lord is my appropriate rank. Most call me Councilor, a holdover from a different age of the Sith, after the first escape from Exegol."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis nods his head. "I was teasing counselor I don't think I could ever relegate myself to calling another person master again." He chuckles that stone glowing brighter Crack almost mended. "I can't stand the thought of allowing myself to be below another again."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"A name is simply that. There will always be someone who has more experience and knowledge than you do. I look at that as an opportunity to improve what I know and to perfect my use of my skills. And to learn something I did not know before." Tamsin, seeing the crystal well on its way to being mended, began again to replace the supplies she can brought in with her. "Sometimes I am the master, sometimes the student. It will be that way until I meet my own end."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis smiles and nods. "I don't dispute that there will always be someone who's more knowledgeable that I can learn from, and that there will be those less knowledgeable than myself that can learn from me. Just I think at the moment the term Master is a hangup for me."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"Then it is likely a good thing that the old Rule of Two no longer exists." It did not take long for Tamsin to complete her task. As with all things, she was effortlessly efficient. The last of the boxes were emptied, and neatly stacked back on the sled. "I would also ensure that all of the parts are still in working order. And choose new ones as necessary."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis nods his head thoughtfully. "Yes I'd say that is a good thing then. And I will make sure everything is in proper working order. Thank you for the deep dive into my own self."
[ Tamsin Cas (Cas)]
"You are welcome. Despite what claims are made, we are not always at each other's throats." With her work done, and Yusanis' work also seemingly done, Tamsin set the sled in motion, moving to exit the room, "I wish you well on your construction."
[ Yusanis (Yus)]
Yusanis smiles and bows his head again and takes a moment to think. "Thank you, and I never believed we were always at each other's throats." He chuckles standing up gathering the pieces.
